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Offline Thessa

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Who am I?
« on: January 01, 2020, 08:49:40 AM »
I have a feeling that this is something that could make a good discussion in that area.
Continuing my thoughts from another section of this forum.

So in that other thread I self-identified as Non-Binary let me try to get into more details here and also transfer my answers to other posts to this section.
Sorry in advance is this isn't structured well I have the feeling that this will be just a brain dump.

Labels are something that we need to help our mind to wrap around things and I'm still not satisfied with the results my mind produces in regards to my feelings and this could also mean that my choice of labeling is wrong on the other hand and over all it shouldn't matter at all, should it?
Maybe I'm NB, Gender Non-Conforming, Gender-Fluid, a Tom Boy maybe it's a mix of different things - I don't know and this drives me a little bit crazy lately TBH.

If I have to put it in one sentence:
"I have the feeling that I'm not sliding on the spectrum but I'm jumping from hyper-feminine (thinking, feeling and presenting) to very-masculine (thinking and feeling?) in the blink of an eye sometimes"

Although now that I thing about it, most of the time it's mostly induced by some outside influence that catapults me into my masculine spectrum area.
Fight or flight response?

Anyway I'm pretty sure by now that due to the issues my mother had to go thru during her pregnancy the hormones where messed up and this brought me here.
Due to my upbringing, my social surroundings and the time I was born in I didn't had any knowledge and/or opportunity to transition in my (pre-)teens. Quit a very common narrative here. Now one question I ask my self constantly are my "strong masculine feelings" as I named them in the other post a result of nature or nurture.

Would I be (only) the girly girl that I feel so often if I had the opportunity to live a woman's life from the beginning?

Or and this is maybe a hot candidate at the moment - the image I see in the morning and before going to bed in the bathroom mirror - that this image is confusing my brain because the image doesn't fit the girly feelings at all. I had such a hard time in my teens when my long blond hair grew thin and this is still the most dysphoria inducing thing I have to endure.

Another hot candidate is - due to the fact that I don't have a masculine person in my life - that I create that masculinity for myself maybe?
(I learned about myself in the last months that I need masculinity in my life - Yin & Yang is a thing obviously for me)

A lot to think about and I can't find any conclusion or closure for me.
At them moment I'm between a rock and a hard place in general and especially in that area of my thought process...  :-\


 

Offline Thessa

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Re: Who am I?
« Reply #1 on: January 01, 2020, 09:02:23 AM »
To b e honest, no I can't!
I am as female as one can be.  I could dress up as a man, act as a man, but still would feel female.  The man act would be something like Halloween for me.  I left the male world far behind me (but I have not given away any clothing) that I cannot remember the day to day life I had, and even in my dreams I seam not to remember how to be a guy.

I tried to explain my feeling in the first post of this discussion.
Regarding the dressing - I can't bring myself to wear a suit and tie or a normal male t-shirt any longer.
The jeans I can declare to boyfriend jeans and this still works somehow but I kept a few sturdier T-shirt for working around the house (which also doesn't interest me any more - I only want to get it done preferable by someone else). The last time I used the T-shirt it felt soooo wrong and it was also scratchy on my soft skin. So I decided it was about time to get rid of this reminder of my past.

I know that I can't and I don't want to go back to my old life as a guy!
The thought alone is repulsive! Still there lingers this other feeling... *sigh*

 

Offline Thessa

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Re: Who am I?
« Reply #2 on: January 01, 2020, 09:08:00 AM »
Hi @Thessa,

Please know that I mean absolutely no offense with anything I say. So if I make a mistake, please accept my apology in advance. But I'm like @Linde in that non-binary confuses me too. I thought that non-binary means that a person doesn't feel male or female. As such wouldn't non-binary people use they/them pronouns, and not identify as male or female?

You said you identify as female and feel like a female when you are wearing your combat gear, wouldn't that make you a tom-boy instead of a male? That's what confuses me.

Again I mean absolutely no disrespect whatsoever, I'm honestly trying to learn something new today.

Thank you in advance for your answer.

xoxo
Lexxi

No offense taken @Lexxi!  :)
What is confusing to me are the other feelings I have tried to explain in the first post of this discussion.
And sometimes (often?) I feel so torn between typical female and males viewpoints on certain topics...and this is what makes me so unsure of myself.


Offline TonyaJanelle

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Re: Who am I?
« Reply #3 on: January 01, 2020, 09:38:26 AM »



If I have to put it in one sentence:
"I have the feeling that I'm not sliding on the spectrum but I'm jumping from hyper-feminine (thinking, feeling and presenting) to very-masculine (thinking and feeling?) in the blink of an eye sometimes"


I had this experience most of my life.  At one point I evrn thought I was bigender. Not non binary, that didn't fit because I wasn't in between  or some of each (or however its defined) but male sometimes and sometimes female.

In my case that turned out to be just a coping mechanism for thinking that I didn't have to transition. Took twenty years to figure out that I was associating typically male activities with being or feeling male.

I realized that I could do all of those as a female and that's when it hit  me that I was really transgender. I mean, I knew that women could do those things too, but given my anatomy, for me those were male things.


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Offline Christine

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Re: Who am I?
« Reply #4 on: January 01, 2020, 12:49:23 PM »
Hi Folks,               01 January 2020

Happy New Year Everyone!!!

Since I'm not an expert in Psychology I haven't a clue. All I can tell you is I identify as female, dress as female (no dresses, heels, makeup) and could care less what anyone thinks except me.

I introduce myself to strangers with: "Hi, I'm Christine and I am Transgender." I have yet to have a negative comment or reaction. I have had exactly the opposite, people have actually become friendlier. Why, again, I don't know for certain, but a big smile can't hurt. I live in Southlake, Texas, a suburb of the Fort Worth section of the DFW Metroplex.

I chose to dress and live as a female about 8 years ago. No one seemed to notice or care. By the time I decided to transition (March 2018) I dressed 99% of the time as female. The little time I wore male clothing was when doing dirty jobs; I wasn't going to ruin my more expensive and pretty female attire.

My counselors both said I wasn't gay but, a woman, trapped in a male body that loves women. So what does that make me? I self identify as Lesbian, which I often declared I was many years before even thinking or knowing of the possibility of macho old me transitioning to female.

I have a Girl Friend named Dena, She is the one that has done 95% of the work getting this wonderful site up and running; what you see here is Her work and Her technical expertise. She is a brilliant Engineer; and She is also the Love of My Life.

To effectively answer the Subject Question all I can tell you is: It's whatever I want it to be for me; right now it's Female and I don't see that ever changing. For others, it should be whatever they want it to be, and no one should question it or criticize them for it.

Just so you know, I am a true conservative who believes everyone has the right to be free to choose the life they want to live without interference from the government or anyone else.

Hopefully,  in some small way, this post helps somebody,

I have something else to say, which I will post in the Blog section.

Best Always, Love

Christine
"He that lies down with dogs shall rise up with fleas." Benjamin Franklin

"It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not." Andre Gide

Online Linde

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Re: Who am I?
« Reply #5 on: January 01, 2020, 12:59:04 PM »
Being the odd ball here, I had no idea that I was not a boy, young man or man, or not a male until my body made this very clear to me!  Yes, I was different, but there were others, who were also different.  Once my body decided that it was tired of playing the male charade, I lived for quite some time an androgynous life, because I had zero gender identity, but I slowly drifted towards the female side.  At some point I just decided to be a woman, and within a month of time I came out to everybody, and started to live full time as a woman.  I never had the urge to cross dress or anything like this.  In reality, all my male life was actually a perfect version of cross dressing act, if one wants to be technical about this.
I live now for quite some time as a woman, and do not have any desire to fall back into my male role.  I can do it, it is like dressing up for Halloween, but inside I am still a female.  My male life is a thing of the past, and I start to forget the day to day details of it.  I need to see pictures to remember how I looked like.
One funny thing, I have not given away any clothing items, and have still 5 suits hanging in my closet, and all my 30 pairs of shoes!
I don't really know why I don't clean that stuff out, it might be that I am to stingy to just give good stuff away?  Or am I to lazy to just do it?

Hugs
Linde, with the 30 pairs of guys shoes!
If life deals you lemons, make the best out of them, make lemonade, or put them into your bra to make it look like you have big boobs!

Offline Thessa

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Re: Who am I?
« Reply #6 on: January 01, 2020, 01:23:08 PM »
Being the odd ball here, I had no idea that I was not a boy, young man or man, or not a male until my body made this very clear to me!  Yes, I was different, but there were others, who were also different.  Once my body decided that it was tired of playing the male charade, I lived for quite some time an androgynous life, because I had zero gender identity, but I slowly drifted towards the female side.  At some point I just decided to be a woman, and within a month of time I came out to everybody, and started to live full time as a woman.  I never had the urge to cross dress or anything like this.  In reality, all my male life was actually a perfect version of cross dressing act, if one wants to be technical about this.
I live now for quite some time as a woman, and do not have any desire to fall back into my male role.  I can do it, it is like dressing up for Halloween, but inside I am still a female.  My male life is a thing of the past, and I start to forget the day to day details of it.  I need to see pictures to remember how I looked like.
One funny thing, I have not given away any clothing items, and have still 5 suits hanging in my closet, and all my 30 pairs of shoes!
I don't really know why I don't clean that stuff out, it might be that I am to stingy to just give good stuff away?  Or am I to lazy to just do it?

Hugs
Linde, with the 30 pairs of guys shoes!

I asked around if anyone wants stuff and a good portion I donated to charity.
They take everything including good and clean underwear, hygiene products etc.

I still have around 5 or 6 pairs of shoes including Bruno Magli shoes from the time I tried to be super stylish and manly.
But I'm in the process of letting go because I know for sure that I will never ever wear anything from that time again.
I lost 18 kg since that time and I want to shed at least another 8 so it doesn't make sense to hold on to this items on many levels.

Letting go of all that things is also part of a bigger house cleaning project.

Online Linde

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Re: Who am I?
« Reply #7 on: January 01, 2020, 03:10:57 PM »
I asked around if anyone wants stuff and a good portion I donated to charity.
They take everything including good and clean underwear, hygiene products etc.

I still have around 5 or 6 pairs of shoes including Bruno Magli shoes from the time I tried to be super stylish and manly.
But I'm in the process of letting go because I know for sure that I will never ever wear anything from that time again.
I lost 18 kg since that time and I want to shed at least another 8 so it doesn't make sense to hold on to this items on many levels.

Letting go of all that things is also part of a bigger house cleaning project.
I am still waiting that my daughter will fore me, by denying to cook anymore! And she is a good cook!  That might get me going!
If life deals you lemons, make the best out of them, make lemonade, or put them into your bra to make it look like you have big boobs!

Offline Mim89

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Re: Who am I?
« Reply #8 on: January 06, 2020, 03:15:34 PM »
If I have to put it in one sentence:
"I have the feeling that I'm not sliding on the spectrum but I'm jumping from hyper-feminine (thinking, feeling and presenting) to very-masculine (thinking and feeling?) in the blink of an eye sometimes"

Maybe you're "genderfluid"? I've heard that this is the "label" for people whose gender expression shifts between masculine and feminine.

transgender, transexual, trans persons, trans people, trans folks, non-binary people, genderfluid people, agender people,people with a trans background.