I have a feeling that this is something that could make a good discussion in that area.
Continuing my thoughts from another section of this forum
So in that other thread I self-identified as Non-Binary
let me try to get into more details here and also transfer my answers to other posts to this section.
Sorry in advance is this isn't structured well I have the feeling that this will be just a brain dump.
Labels are something that we need to help our mind to wrap around things and I'm still not satisfied with the results my mind produces in regards to my feelings and this could also mean that my choice of labeling is wrong on the other hand and over all it shouldn't matter at all, should it?
Maybe I'm NB
, Gender Non-Conforming
, a Tom Boy
maybe it's a mix of different things - I don't know and this drives me a little bit crazy lately TBH.
If I have to put it in one sentence: "I have the feeling that I'm not sliding on the spectrum but I'm jumping from hyper-feminine (thinking, feeling and presenting) to very-masculine (thinking and feeling?) in the blink of an eye sometimes"
Although now that I thing about it, most of the time it's mostly induced by some outside influence that catapults me into my masculine spectrum area.
Fight or flight response?
Anyway I'm pretty sure by now that due to the issues my mother had to go thru during her pregnancy the hormones where messed up and this brought me here.
Due to my upbringing, my social surroundings and the time I was born in I didn't had any knowledge and/or opportunity to transition in my (pre-)teens. Quit a very common narrative here. Now one question I ask my self constantly are my "strong masculine feelings" as I named them in the other post a result of nature or nurture.
Would I be (only) the girly girl that I feel so often if I had the opportunity to live a woman's life from the beginning?
Or and this is maybe a hot candidate at the moment - the image I see in the morning and before going to bed in the bathroom mirror - that this image is confusing my brain because the image doesn't fit the girly feelings at all. I had such a hard time in my teens when my long blond hair grew thin and this is still the most dysphoria inducing thing I have to endure.
Another hot candidate is - due to the fact that I don't have a masculine person in my life - that I create that masculinity for myself maybe?
(I learned about myself in the last months that I need masculinity in my life - Yin & Yang is a thing obviously for me)
A lot to think about and I can't find any conclusion or closure for me.
At them moment I'm between a rock and a hard place in general and especially in that area of my thought process...