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Author Topic: Stealth or not to stealth that is the question?  (Read 130 times)

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Offline Linde

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Stealth or not to stealth that is the question?
« on: January 15, 2020, 11:28:35 AM »
considering the fact that i am living full time as a woman now for quite some time, and also have no problem anymore to be mis-gendered, I was wondering if I was right with my desire to simply disappear among the mass of other natal /cis women.  This specifically once i had bottom surgery.

I also wondered if I should disclose my previous life as a male to any female, I would engage romantically with, after my surgery scars are healed out well.  I discussed this with my therapist, and she is of the opinion I should not disclose this, because I have been a woman all my life, but had no chance to be one for most of my life.  Now that I finally have reached my goal to be a woman through and through, it is of no use and benefit to anybody, to pull myself back into part of my former male life again, by telling anybody that I used to present as a male.  I feel very comfortable with this, and I am sure it will protect me from possible attacks of TERFs.
over the last yer I had some online contacts with lesbians, and I was so honest to tell them about my past, and the stopped contacting me as soon as they found out about my former life.  I don't like this feeling to be reduced to genitals, which are even the wrong ones for me.  And once they are gone for good, I can life as he woman I was meant to be.

How do you ladies feel about this?  Do you want to remain trans women for the rest of your life, or do you want to blend in with other cis women and be one of them?

Hugs
Linde
If life deals you lemons, make the best out of them, make lemonade, or put them into your bra to make it look like you have big boobs!

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Offline OzGirl

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Re: Stealth or not to stealth that is the question?
« Reply #1 on: January 15, 2020, 04:47:40 PM »
Linde, I don’t believe I will ever be completely passable, but if that miracle occurred, I would not be able to hide anything from someone who I became close and intimate with. There is a point in relationships where trust is important, and I believe full disclosure is necessary. I told both my ex wives I was trans as soon as our relationships became serious. If I were to enter into a business relationship which might be affected by my past, I would also disclose to the other partner(s).

I would not feel the need for disclosure in casual relationships, not that I’ve ever had one!

Hugs,

Allie
Knew I was a girl in 1958, told my mother. Dressed regularly at home from 2000, started HRT March 2019, FHR Oct 19 Full time Jan 2020, new BC Feb, new p’port March 2020, GRS scheduled for some time in 2021

Offline Lady Sarah

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Re: Stealth or not to stealth that is the question?
« Reply #2 on: January 15, 2020, 09:57:58 PM »
I can say that I have been face to face with doctors whom have seen my medical records, and somehow still did not know I am trans. The one that did my back surgery was surprised when it was time to place a catheter. I repeat. These doctors had access to my medical records from my primary care physician, with "history of sexual reassignment" in those records.

If I ever get the chance to get GCS, it will certainly be nobody else's business what I was when I was born. If they can't tell now, they won't know then.

Offline Katie

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Re: Stealth or not to stealth that is the question?
« Reply #3 on: January 15, 2020, 10:03:30 PM »
Linde, you're well beyond child bearing years and menopause, I really don't know what difference it would make if nobody ever knew.
"Some want to live within the sound
Of church or chapel bell;
I want to run a rescue shop,
Within a yard of hell".
C.T. Studd

"Redeeming love has been my theme,
and shall be till I die".
William Cowper

Offline Linde

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Re: Stealth or not to stealth that is the question?
« Reply #4 on: January 15, 2020, 10:34:08 PM »
Linde, you're well beyond child bearing years and menopause, I really don't know what difference it would make if nobody ever knew.
That is it, nobody would get the idea that we could have children, but I don't plan to be romantic with men anyway, it would be another woman if anybody.  Two women together would have a very hard time to create a child inside a partner.  Which means, if my surgery results in one of the neo parst that gynecologists have to take a look inside the vaginal canal, and if they can find a cervix there they come to the conclusion that they look at neo bits.  Well, if that is the case, nobody but some very select disciplines  of my medical providers will be informed about my past.

I am not one of those trans women who carry Trans around with them as a badge of honor, and want to have the trans be part of their person for the rest of their life.  I am one of the women who feels like cis, and wants to disappear into the masses of other cis women.
If life deals you lemons, make the best out of them, make lemonade, or put them into your bra to make it look like you have big boobs!

Email contact through linde@transrefuge.org

Offline Katie

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Re: Stealth or not to stealth that is the question?
« Reply #5 on: January 15, 2020, 11:19:53 PM »
Right, but I was also insinuating that you are past the age when women menstruate. That would be the telltale sign that you weren't born with a vagina. But nobody would know at your age. You wouldn't be any different from any other woman of your age.
"Some want to live within the sound
Of church or chapel bell;
I want to run a rescue shop,
Within a yard of hell".
C.T. Studd

"Redeeming love has been my theme,
and shall be till I die".
William Cowper

Offline Lexxi

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Re: Stealth or not to stealth that is the question?
« Reply #6 on: January 15, 2020, 11:50:36 PM »
I used to think that it was our duty to inform our partners that we're trans. But after everything I've learned in the past 7 months my thoughts have changed. Now I think if a person feels totally comfortable not saying anything, then I think that's their right. Because after all trans women ARE women and trans men ARE men.

I don't think I'll ever be able to pass very well, so even if a possible partner can't tell, then I'd come clean about it. I wouldn't want to be seen as "tricking" someone. But that's just me...everyone else is free to do as they see fit. Since I don't stand a chance of really passing, I'll just have to be proud that I'm trans and let people know it.  ;)

@Linde in my opinion you wouldn't ever have to tell anyone anything because you're genetically female. If you ever felt compelled to say something you could just say that you had a birth defect corrected and leave it at that. You don't even have to identify as trans if you don't want to. Just know that those of us under the trans umbrella will always welcome you no matter what.

xoxo
Lexxi
Realized that I'm trans 5/20/19   Got letter for HRT 6/10/19  Came out to my mom 6/18/19
Started HRT 7/12/19

Offline OzGirl

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Re: Stealth or not to stealth that is the question?
« Reply #7 on: January 16, 2020, 12:41:54 AM »
I know that women in particular are sensitive to things being witheld from them, and something like gender change would be a major thing! Also, if you kept your history secret, fell in love and made a life with someone, you have the worry someone will reveal your secret and destroy your relationship. The longer you are together, the higher the stakes become, and you are then open to ransom.

I couldn’t live with that hovering over me, or leave anything unsaid that could end my relationship.

Allie
Knew I was a girl in 1958, told my mother. Dressed regularly at home from 2000, started HRT March 2019, FHR Oct 19 Full time Jan 2020, new BC Feb, new p’port March 2020, GRS scheduled for some time in 2021

Offline Linde

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Re: Stealth or not to stealth that is the question?
« Reply #8 on: January 16, 2020, 03:04:48 AM »
I know that women in particular are sensitive to things being witheld from them, and something like gender change would be a major thing! Also, if you kept your history secret, fell in love and made a life with someone, you have the worry someone will reveal your secret and destroy your relationship. The longer you are together, the higher the stakes become, and you are then open to ransom.

I couldn’t live with that hovering over me, or leave anything unsaid that could end my relationship.

Allie
Allie, it is understood without a question that I would reveal my past to a partner who would live with me for good.  But at that point, our relation should be strong enough that it would not fall apart by me telling about my past.  But many lesbian woman of my age have been closeted for a long time , and very often lived and were married to men.  At this point in their life, finally free of a man, they don't want to have anything to do with a man anymore, and not even with a woman who was socialized as a man.  Several budding relations I had broke apart, once I told the woman that i used to live as a man.  Which means, by telling this to them, i did not even get the chance to com to a point that intimacy would even be a subject.
I think I learned my lesson, and don't mention my past anymore.  I moved about 2000 miles away from the area in which I lived as a man, and the chances that my past will catch up with me soon, is very small!  And, as Lexxi said, I am a genetic female, and can always say that I was forced to live as a man (which is true, cause i did no know better).
I almost have forgotten how my life as a man was, and even how I looked like as a man.  I am not afraid anymore that i can make a mistake in talking about my former life as a man, cause that is so deep in my past that I never think or talk about it even to the friends here who knew me for a really short time as a man.
I do not have any problem with passing (my voice is coming back slowly), and that would not cause me to not be seen as a woman.

And to you and Lexxi, i have to say, wait until you had some time to live full time as a woman, you don't believe how much that helps you to pass, the confidence that you are a woman makes a lot of difference and makes you to pass!

Hugs
Linde
If life deals you lemons, make the best out of them, make lemonade, or put them into your bra to make it look like you have big boobs!

Email contact through linde@transrefuge.org

Offline Thessa

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Re: Stealth or not to stealth that is the question?
« Reply #9 on: January 16, 2020, 11:52:02 AM »
I don't think that - from today's perspective - I can be stealth in the next couple of decades.
I'm well known in my business and I'm not planning on moving abroad anytime soon if ever.

I'm scheduled for consultation with my surgeon to discuss the correction surgery of my GCS but I don't think that it will make it look like a CIS vulva so anytime I get intimate I can disclose or I can try and be most likely disappointed by the disappointment of the intimate partner if it's only disappointment and nothing more severe.

I think also one of the tell-tail signs is my MPB or as others say my follicle challenged head with will make it almost impossible to pass 100% at 100% of the time.
So I conclude that I will stand tall as a proud trans woman (with a bad mouth) who takes no s..t   ;)

Offline Lucy

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Re: Stealth or not to stealth that is the question?
« Reply #10 on: January 16, 2020, 02:04:08 PM »
I expect that I will be able to pass reliably (I've been misgendered while presenting as male often enough throught my life anyway), but my social environment and a total unwillingness to walk away from it means I will never even be able to consider being stealth. I also very much intend never to have to find another partner as I fully expect my partner and I will be able to find a place in which we can both be comfortable so being known as trans shouldn't be too much of an issue for me on that front. I've had to actively resist the urge to enter some discussion online as doing so would be guaranteed to out me and my partner is not ready for that so I suspect my nature is such that even if I started a new life from scratch I wouldn't be able to live as stealth.

I don't think anyone has a responsibility to broadcast their history in any way though, gender presentation obviously included. At some point in any close relationship discussion of one's past in natural and hiding it would damage the trust that is the foundations of a relationship, but that doesn't mean one needs to present that history before it would naturally come up. Meeting someone and even befriending them does not grant them instant access to your entire past nor you to theirs.

Offline Linde

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Re: Stealth or not to stealth that is the question?
« Reply #11 on: January 16, 2020, 04:21:52 PM »

I'm scheduled for consultation with my surgeon to discuss the correction surgery of my GCS but I don't think that it will make it look like a CIS vulva so anytime I get intimate I can disclose or I can try and be most likely disappointed by the disappointment of the intimate partner if it's only disappointment and nothing more severe.
  They have real goood technology and knowledge these days, and if they have the required tissue, they can reduce a vulva very nicely, so nice, that a gynecologist has to look twice to be able to say it is not a natal vulva!  Don't hang around negative thoughts!
Quote
I think also one of the tell-tail signs is my MPB or as others say my follicle challenged head with will make it almost impossible to pass 100% at 100% of the time.
So I conclude that I will stand tall as a proud trans woman (with a bad mouth) who takes no s..t   ;)
You can always do a hair transplant!  There are enough natal women who have to wear a wig, because hormones messed up with their hair!  Look at me, I started to loose hair in bundles, and If I would not have gone to a dermatologist very fast, my follicles may have died, and I would have looked like an old man with long hair around the sides!This would have required me to wear a wig, and many natal women need to do this!
Just wait what the surgeon says concerning your revision!  My daughter Amber feels that  your face looks very female!
If life deals you lemons, make the best out of them, make lemonade, or put them into your bra to make it look like you have big boobs!

Email contact through linde@transrefuge.org

Offline Thessa

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Re: Stealth or not to stealth that is the question?
« Reply #12 on: January 17, 2020, 04:02:32 AM »
They have real goood technology and knowledge these days, and if they have the required tissue, they can reduce a vulva very nicely, so nice, that a gynecologist has to look twice to be able to say it is not a natal vulva!  Don't hang around negative thoughts!

I will wait for the revision and maybe I'm surprised by the result.
There is a back story to it - politics in health care - so as far as I know he didn't do a lot of GCS since he left the main hospital in Vienna.
But the other surgeon I spoke to did a revision for someone I know and she isn't trilled by the results.
We will see...

You can always do a hair transplant!  There are enough natal women who have to wear a wig, because hormones messed up with their hair!  Look at me, I started to loose hair in bundles, and If I would not have gone to a dermatologist very fast, my follicles may have died, and I would have looked like an old man with long hair around the sides!This would have required me to wear a wig, and many natal women need to do this!
Just wait what the surgeon says concerning your revision!  My daughter Amber feels that  your face looks very female!

Regarding the hair, my daughter told me that with a fresh shaved head I look very feminine but the issue is that MPB is showing still with shaved head (shadow).
So I would also be fine with a total bald head but at the moment I stick to the wigs and hope for steam cell research since (in my opinion) there is not enough to transplant to satisfy my expectations of hair grow.

Offline Linde

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Re: Stealth or not to stealth that is the question?
« Reply #13 on: January 17, 2020, 10:24:35 AM »
I wonder if all of you, who have a certain MPB o their head, had this already when presenting as male?  And if so, was it burdensome for you during our male days not to have a full head of hair?  Or is this dysphoria elated to being female only?
I always was pretty happy about my hair, and my dad always complained that I took longer in the bathroom than my sister, because I was doing my hair!  I don't know if this was the guy I tried to represent, or if this was the genetic female in me, who was so particular about the hair?
If life deals you lemons, make the best out of them, make lemonade, or put them into your bra to make it look like you have big boobs!

Email contact through linde@transrefuge.org

Offline Thessa

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Re: Stealth or not to stealth that is the question?
« Reply #14 on: January 17, 2020, 10:31:18 AM »
I wonder if all of you, who have a certain MPB o their head, had this already when presenting as male?  And if so, was it burdensome for you during our male days not to have a full head of hair?  Or is this dysphoria elated to being female only?
I always was pretty happy about my hair, and my dad always complained that I took longer in the bathroom than my sister, because I was doing my hair!  I don't know if this was the guy I tried to represent, or if this was the genetic female in me, who was so particular about the hair?

It was a heavy blow when the hair loss began.
It became really noticeable during my military service, everyday I could pick a bundle of hair out of my helmet.

I'm struggling with it since it started!

Offline Linde

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Re: Stealth or not to stealth that is the question?
« Reply #15 on: January 17, 2020, 11:59:57 AM »
It was a heavy blow when the hair loss began.
It became really noticeable during my military service, everyday I could pick a bundle of hair out of my helmet.

I'm struggling with it since it started!
Which means, you were rather young at that time.  Did anybody ever take a look what was going on?  This indicates  quite a large hormonal problem to me, either over production of testosterone or a thyroid problem.  With other words, you were sick and should have been treated!
I think male hair loss is still taken as a "so what" thing, and it could be prevented or reduced if taken care of!  Finasteride is cheap, and the low dose version would have been enough to take care of your hair!
Extra hugs
Linde
If life deals you lemons, make the best out of them, make lemonade, or put them into your bra to make it look like you have big boobs!

Email contact through linde@transrefuge.org