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Offline Claire_

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Came out to my mother today
« on: January 22, 2020, 01:24:25 PM »
I had lunch with my mom today.  She has been aware of the troubles I have been having with my wife, OCD, and codependency.  She asked how everything was going.  I said everything was marginally OK for now.  Then I told her I was seeing a new therapist for my codependency apart from the couple's counseling.  Then I shared I was also seeing this therapist for gender dysphoria.  I paused and waited for her reaction which was nothing but supportive.  I went on to explain how my wife found out by going through my email and focused the treatment on gender issues.

We went on talking and had a great conversation.  She was trying to figure out where this started and came from in my life.  She even went so far as to say no matter what happens or what I look like, she supports me and loves me - WOW!!

That puts me at 2 that I am out to.

Offline Lucy

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Re: Came out to my mother today
« Reply #1 on: January 22, 2020, 01:35:40 PM »
I had lunch with my mom today.  She has been aware of the troubles I have been having with my wife, OCD, and codependency.  She asked how everything was going.  I said everything was marginally OK for now.  Then I told her I was seeing a new therapist for my codependency apart from the couple's counseling.  Then I shared I was also seeing this therapist for gender dysphoria.  I paused and waited for her reaction which was nothing but supportive.  I went on to explain how my wife found out by going through my email and focused the treatment on gender issues.

We went on talking and had a great conversation.  She was trying to figure out where this started and came from in my life.  She even went so far as to say no matter what happens or what I look like, she supports me and loves me - WOW!!

That puts me at 2 that I am out to.

Sounds like a pretty awesome day and a great mother. It seems extra important to have someone you are close to being so supportive given the issues your wife has with it.

Online Katie

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Re: Came out to my mother today
« Reply #2 on: January 22, 2020, 02:56:49 PM »
Wow!
"Some want to live within the sound
Of church or chapel bell;
I want to run a rescue shop,
Within a yard of hell".
C.T. Studd

"Redeeming love has been my theme,
and shall be till I die".
William Cowper

Offline OzGirl

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Re: Came out to my mother today
« Reply #3 on: January 22, 2020, 02:57:22 PM »
Congratulations Claire!Your mother should be a very important supporter, and help you so much. Make sure she understands exactly how you became trans and that it is a medical condition so it is easier for her to process.

Hugs,

Allie
Knew I was a girl in 1958, told my mother. Dressed regularly at home from 2000, started HRT March 2019, Full time April 2020, GRS scheduled for January 2021

Offline Linde

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Re: Came out to my mother today
« Reply #4 on: January 23, 2020, 12:32:52 AM »
Congratulation Claire for this important step!  Yuo can do it young lady, you can do it!
Hugs
Linde
If life deals you lemons, make the best out of them, make lemonade, or put them into your bra to make it look like you have big boobs!

Offline Claire_

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Re: Came out to my mother today
« Reply #5 on: January 23, 2020, 09:29:38 AM »
Thanks for all of the encouraging words everyone.   And young lady - wow!!  Thanks Linde, I haven't been called young in many moons.

So, I went home and my wife had watched the Dr. Yarhouse and said she was sad during and after and didn't realize the struggle this is.  I felt she was being supportive and ler her know I appreciated her comment.  Then later as we talked going to sleep she absolutely LOST it.  She said she had hoped this would just fade away and wanted to go back to how things were before.  She said some unintentionally hurtful things and tried to argue it out of me.  We were able to talk through it all and emerge at least with her understanding if not accepting where I am at.  After such a high with lunch, this was definitely a bit deflating.  She also was upset that I told my mom because she is worried that she well tell others; and also she hoped this was just going to resolve itself and go away.  By telling my mom, it made it more real and substantial to her.

Some of the discussion was also around the concept of change and her resistance to and uncertainty of changing.  I made it clear that I am fundamentally changing as a person regardless of whether or not I undertake gender transition.  Due to my codependency I have not felt safe fully expressing myself openly or establishing appropriate boundaries or thinking of my wants and needs.  I have spent all of my energy and effort in trying to please her (or not upset her) so that she would love and accept me.

Offline Linde

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Re: Came out to my mother today
« Reply #6 on: January 23, 2020, 09:38:28 AM »
.   And young lady - wow!!  Thanks Linde, I haven't been called young in many moons.


Claire, most every woman I meet these days is a young lady in my eyes, cause I am starting to get older than dirt!

Hugs
Linde
If life deals you lemons, make the best out of them, make lemonade, or put them into your bra to make it look like you have big boobs!

Offline Lexxi

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Re: Came out to my mother today
« Reply #7 on: January 24, 2020, 02:25:00 AM »
Hi Claire,

My mom was the very first non-family member I came out to. There were a lot of happy tears from both of us. I was thrilled that I was finally taking steps to transition, and she was happy that she'd have a close female family member. We sat and talked like two old women for 4 or 5 hours, and she even shared a 40 or 50 year old family secret. She said it was something that a woman would only share with her closest friend. It made my heart nearly swell out of my chest when she said that.

I never had any doubt that my mom would accept me though. She was the very first person I knew who fully defended the LGBTQ community, and I knew she was going to be supportive. I'm really glad that your mom is so accepting too!! That will make things a lot easier for you.

I've read about a lot of your troubles with your wife, and this thing always comes to mind. If you started getting sick and the doctors discovered that you had some massive infection in your leg, I'm sure your wife would want them to give you medical attention. The may even have to operate on that leg, and amputate some of it right? Well you'd still be the exact same person after the surgery, you'd just be missing that part of your body. So you'd look a little bit different than you used to.

Well you suffer from gender dysphoria, which is a treatable medical issue. The only medical way to treat it though is to transition. You'll still be the same person you've always been, you'll just be healthier, happier, and look a little different. I would think your wife would be able to easily understand that.

(By the way I don't believe that transitioning goes against God at all. If she believes he created you, then that means this is what he wants for you. If she says that you're going against God...well maybe she's actually the one going against God by trying to stop you from becoming the person He made. Either that or she'd have to admit that God makes mistakes, and I understand that's a big no-no in most churches). That's my take on that.

Congrats on adding your mom to coming out list. I'm glad she's so supportive.

xoxo
Lexxi
Realized that I'm trans 5/20/19   Got letter for HRT 6/10/19  Came out to my mom 6/18/19
Started HRT 7/12/19

Offline Thessa

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Re: Came out to my mother today
« Reply #8 on: January 24, 2020, 05:40:01 AM »

I've read about a lot of your troubles with your wife, and this thing always comes to mind. If you started getting sick and the doctors discovered that you had some massive infection in your leg, I'm sure your wife would want them to give you medical attention. The may even have to operate on that leg, and amputate some of it right? Well you'd still be the exact same person after the surgery, you'd just be missing that part of your body. So you'd look a little bit different than you used to.

Well you suffer from gender dysphoria, which is a treatable medical issue. The only medical way to treat it though is to transition. You'll still be the same person you've always been, you'll just be healthier, happier, and look a little different. I would think your wife would be able to easily understand that.


Unfortunately a lot of people - especially religious people - don't see it in such a way.
I had a major discussion with someone from my town where I tried to make her understand that concept.
What followed was a massive attack against the LGBT community, and that from someone preaching Love and Acceptance all the time.

And the next thing is sexual attraction...but this is something for another debate ;)

Still I believe that if all partners really want to stay together they will find a way, I just recently learned about that Runner that was caught in a Bush-fire.
Although I get the impression that it's something men are more willing to do than woman.

Offline Lexxi

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Re: Came out to my mother today
« Reply #9 on: January 24, 2020, 06:56:31 AM »
Hi Thessa,

I know. I was just trying to come up with any kind of argument that might help her. I don't deal with religious people very often anymore, but I did a few times in the past. Normally if I proved them wrong on something, they'd flip the script and move the goalposts to get away from the logic I just stated.

I think it's horrible when a person lets religion stand in the way of their family's happiness. I find that incredibly sad.

Lexxi
Realized that I'm trans 5/20/19   Got letter for HRT 6/10/19  Came out to my mom 6/18/19
Started HRT 7/12/19

Offline Thessa

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Re: Came out to my mother today
« Reply #10 on: January 24, 2020, 10:09:27 AM »

I think it's horrible when a person lets religion stand in the way of their family's happiness. I find that incredibly sad.

Lexxi

Hi Lexxi,

you are right, be it religion or any other dogmatic belief system.
Family should be their for each other but for many and especially in marriage it's only good as long you serve their purpose.

Hugs
Thessa

Offline Mim89

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Re: Came out to my mother today
« Reply #11 on: January 25, 2020, 05:59:02 PM »
Dear Claire,

congratulations!!! I'm so glad to hear that your mother's reaction was positive and supporting. You have a wonderful mom and you surely should be proud to be her daughter. :) I'm so happy for you! :)

Your wife's reaction was not nice at all. :( I can see that she can't deal with this very well. I hope you'll find a solution. Maybe she needs a bit more time to come to terms with the fact that you're suffering from gender dysphoria. I don't want to come to her defence, but some people, especially religious ones have a hard time accepting LGBTQIA+ issues. I know what I'm talking about, as my family is very religious (that's why I didn't have the guts to come out to them yet). I really, really hope that one day she'll accept you the way you are.

Until then, you have your mother how supports you and backs you up.

I hope I could help a little and you understand what I was trying to say (I'm German and my English is still not as good as I want it to be :P).

Hugs,
Mim

Offline OzGirl

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Re: Came out to my mother today
« Reply #12 on: January 25, 2020, 08:37:08 PM »
Claire, just a question, did you talk to you wife about coming out to you mother before you spoke to your mother?

Hugs,

Allie
Knew I was a girl in 1958, told my mother. Dressed regularly at home from 2000, started HRT March 2019, Full time April 2020, GRS scheduled for January 2021

Offline Christine

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Re: Came out to my mother today
« Reply #13 on: January 25, 2020, 11:25:26 PM »
I had lunch with my mom today.  She has been aware of the troubles I have been having with my wife, OCD, and codependency.  She asked how everything was going.  I said everything was marginally OK for now.  Then I told her I was seeing a new therapist for my codependency apart from the couple's counseling.  Then I shared I was also seeing this therapist for gender dysphoria.  I paused and waited for her reaction which was nothing but supportive.  I went on to explain how my wife found out by going through my email and focused the treatment on gender issues.

We went on talking and had a great conversation.  She was trying to figure out where this started and came from in my life.  She even went so far as to say no matter what happens or what I look like, she supports me and loves me - WOW!!

That puts me at 2 that I am out to.

Hi Claire             25 January 2020

I'm happy for you. I think you will find that as you reveal your real self to folks you know, the easier it will become. I personally enjoy outing myself to anyone I meet. I know I'll never be an attractive woman, I'm almost 80 so I can't expect much. I wish it were different but I live with what I have.

I hope you resolve all your issues and are able to bring your wife along into your world as a willing partner.

God Bless you and your family.

Best Always, Love

Christine
"He that lies down with dogs shall rise up with fleas." Benjamin Franklin

"It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not." Andre Gide

Offline Claire_

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Re: Came out to my mother today
« Reply #14 on: January 27, 2020, 12:10:44 PM »
Claire, just a question, did you talk to you wife about coming out to you mother before you spoke to your mother?

Hugs,

Allie
No I did not.  And I take your point.  I will not come out to anyone else without her prior knowledge.  Funny thing is she called my mom the next day to see how she was doing (more likely to see if what I said was true).  My mom said something to my wife about me having been under significant stress due to her OCD and other issues.  Elluding to the fact that my mom thinks my wife and marital problems "caused" this.  My mom and I didn't get to talk long enough for me to unwind her probing for a cause/reason why I am experience gender dysphoria.  I will try to right this ship next time we talk.

Online Katie

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Re: Came out to my mother today
« Reply #15 on: January 27, 2020, 12:29:43 PM »
It's not uncommon for people to blame gender dysphoria on stressful events or relationships. Stressful situations can make dealing with it worse and may amplify the need to seek treatment, but stressful situations do not cause gender dysphoria.

It was about two months after my wife sexually abused me and pressured me to get her pregnant, and simultaneously losing my father to cancer, that I just couldn't handle it anymore. The combination of sexual abuse along with the grief and stress of losing my father, put me in a position where I simply didn't have any emotional bandwidth left for coping with gender dysphoria.

Stress played a role in my decision to take action, but gender dysphoria was a painful reality for me decades before any of this happened.
"Some want to live within the sound
Of church or chapel bell;
I want to run a rescue shop,
Within a yard of hell".
C.T. Studd

"Redeeming love has been my theme,
and shall be till I die".
William Cowper

Offline Claire_

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Re: Came out to my mother today
« Reply #16 on: January 27, 2020, 12:52:32 PM »
Thanks Katie.  And sorry you went through that.

I agree.  The stress may have elevated the prominence, but it did not cause my gender dysphoria.  That has been with me since I was a kid, but stuffed way down and ignored.  The other day I had a memory come back of cross-dressing in my older sisters clothes off and on while growing up.  I hadn't  thought of that or remembered that memory in years, but it was very real and happened.