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Author Topic: SO Advice please  (Read 75 times)

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Offline Claire_

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SO Advice please
« on: January 23, 2020, 11:46:16 AM »
I just wanted to share some recent things my wife has been struggling with and get your collective wisdom and advice on positive ways to respond.

I am trying to be patient and supportive of my wife.  A bit more background is a 15 year marriage and recently out with my gender dysphoria.  She is a very black/white evangelical christian.  She has somewhat moved on from the you're an abomination and a perv thoughts, but she still has recurring arguments/discussion that I would like to get your help in responding.  I have been doing my ever loving best in responding in love to her very natural confusion and anxiety.
1.  How can you be married, love me, be with me intimately AND still have these thoughts/wants?
2.  Won't accepting these thoughts and taking small steps necessarily lead to full transition?
3.  Why did you date, marry, and have kids if you had these feelings?
4.  This is not what God intended for you, or God's design.
5.  Transition is going against God.
6.  How are you going to live the rest of your life wanting to be different and not changing/transitioning?
7.  How can we be a family if you transition?  We will lose everything.


Offline Lucy

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Re: SO Advice please
« Reply #1 on: January 23, 2020, 12:23:32 PM »
I just wanted to share some recent things my wife has been struggling with and get your collective wisdom and advice on positive ways to respond.

I am trying to be patient and supportive of my wife.  A bit more background is a 15 year marriage and recently out with my gender dysphoria.  She is a very black/white evangelical christian.  She has somewhat moved on from the you're an abomination and a perv thoughts, but she still has recurring arguments/discussion that I would like to get your help in responding.  I have been doing my ever loving best in responding in love to her very natural confusion and anxiety.
1.  How can you be married, love me, be with me intimately AND still have these thoughts/wants?
2.  Won't accepting these thoughts and taking small steps necessarily lead to full transition?
3.  Why did you date, marry, and have kids if you had these feelings?
4.  This is not what God intended for you, or God's design.
5.  Transition is going against God.
6.  How are you going to live the rest of your life wanting to be different and not changing/transitioning?
7.  How can we be a family if you transition?  We will lose everything.
I'm only going to give thoughts on a few of these as my background is too far separated to provide useful input on directly religious questions. Hopefully there is still some use to you despite such different worlds.
1. Love for another has relatively little to do with being happy with oneself, just a sexuality and attraction have nothing to do with physical sex or neurological gender.
2.Accepting these thoughts may lead to a desire for full transition, but we balance desires against each other every day and don't have to fully follow every desire to lead a reasonably content life. In this case you will be seeking a balance between your need for your family and your need for transition and it may be that a partial transition (or a few small steps) will get you to a balance point where your dysphoria is moderated to a point you can live with and your change is not so great your family can't live with it. Unfortunately you won't know if you the small steps will be enough to bring your dysphoria to a point you can live with until you take them, so the need to fully transition will remain a definite possibility that neither of you should pretend doesn't exist.
3.This isn't one I have personal experience with as I only realized my nature much later, but my impression is most people who hide their dysphoria as they date/marry/procreate do so it the hope and mistaken belief that by embracing that life so completely their dysphoria will fade into the background or disappear. Most people don't understand what they're feeling well and do their best to lead the life they think they should, and everyone makes choices they might have changed if they had a more complete understanding of themselves and the world.
4&5. Can't speak to.
6.This is basically a different approach to the same concept as question 2. It all boils down to the strength of the need to change vs the strength of the need to not change your life too much and finding where the functional balance point between those two needs is. Only you will be able to answer that, and you may not have the depth of self knowledge yet to really do so. Hopefully with therapy, thought, and exploration of options you can find something at least close to an ideal balance point, but in the end it's a bit of guess and check for all of us as our understanding will never be perfect.
7.Not sure I'm well equipped to answer this one either as my world is so different, but I will say sometimes it's worth loosing things and rebuilding a stronger, happier place for yourself in the world. Knowing that doesn't make the process of loosing things less painful, but it may provide a light of hope to reach for when the darkness of loss gets overwhelming. Life is change, all we can do is try to shape that change as best as possible.

Offline OzGirl

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Re: SO Advice please
« Reply #2 on: January 23, 2020, 03:02:30 PM »
Claire, your wife’s questions seem to revolve around thoughts, wants, and religion. It is clear that she doesn’t realise you have a medical condition, and I suspect you haven’t embraced that either. None of this is about your thoughts, wants or religion. It’s about your female structured brain demanding self realisation, and through dysphoria, it will force you to comply. If you can understand this and get your wife to understand this, then most of her her questions will go away.

You will still have to deal with how your relationship will change, and she has every right to not be involved. This is not the agreement you made with each other, and she will feel you have not been open with her. If she feels you want to choose this life over her, it will make things so much harder. You need to be able to show her that you will not change from the person she married, and hope that the love you have grown will be enough to carry you through. If you go through a medical transition, you will likely not be able to provide her with the type of sex she needs.

Both of you need to break this down into facts, and discuss how you will deal with each of them. One of those facts is how much you love the person inside of each other.

I wish you success with this, but you really need to accept where you are to tackle the challenges.

Allie
Knew I was a girl in 1958, told my mother. Dressed regularly at home from 2000, started HRT March 2019, Full time April 2020, GRS scheduled for January 2021

Offline Lady Sarah

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Re: SO Advice please
« Reply #3 on: January 23, 2020, 04:40:05 PM »
I just wanted to share some recent things my wife has been struggling with and get your collective wisdom and advice on positive ways to respond.

I am trying to be patient and supportive of my wife.  A bit more background is a 15 year marriage and recently out with my gender dysphoria.  She is a very black/white evangelical christian.  She has somewhat moved on from the you're an abomination and a perv thoughts, but she still has recurring arguments/discussion that I would like to get your help in responding.  I have been doing my ever loving best in responding in love to her very natural confusion and anxiety.
1.  How can you be married, love me, be with me intimately AND still have these thoughts/wants?
2.  Won't accepting these thoughts and taking small steps necessarily lead to full transition?
3.  Why did you date, marry, and have kids if you had these feelings?
4.  This is not what God intended for you, or God's design.
5.  Transition is going against God.
6.  How are you going to live the rest of your life wanting to be different and not changing/transitioning?
7.  How can we be a family if you transition?  We will lose everything.

1. There are sperm banks and such for storage in case children are wanted.

2. Who said this is not God's plan. God made you that way. He also does not want you to remain miserable your entire life. There is a time for change. Since you have already realized it, the time has come.

3. I was blind.

4 and 5. Refer to number 2

6. My guess is that the question was phrased incorrectly. I believe you are wanting to transition to get out of misery.

7. Lose everything? Is that what you want?

Offline Linde

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Re: SO Advice please
« Reply #4 on: January 23, 2020, 05:30:57 PM »
I can only say something to 4 and 5.  And the only thing i can say is what my niece, the pastor said:  God does not make mistakes, God made you, so you cannot be a mistake, because does not make mistakes.  Who are we to decide what God's will is, or what God had in mind designing me?  God probably wanted to use me to give my niece a life example to preach tolerance, because she like to tell about her uncle who became her beloved aunt!  Who says that transition is against the will of God? Again, who is so mighty to know what God's will is and was?  Some people who nit pick from some passages of the bible without reading the entire paragraph?  Some people who dfeel they aer entitlet to know the will of God? Who has the say?

Hugs
Linde
If life deals you lemons, make the best out of them, make lemonade, or put them into your bra to make it look like you have big boobs!

Offline pamelatransuk

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Re: SO Advice please
« Reply #5 on: January 24, 2020, 07:08:37 AM »
I just wanted to share some recent things my wife has been struggling with and get your collective wisdom and advice on positive ways to respond.

I am trying to be patient and supportive of my wife.  A bit more background is a 15 year marriage and recently out with my gender dysphoria.  She is a very black/white evangelical christian.  She has somewhat moved on from the you're an abomination and a perv thoughts, but she still has recurring arguments/discussion that I would like to get your help in responding.  I have been doing my ever loving best in responding in love to her very natural confusion and anxiety.
1.  How can you be married, love me, be with me intimately AND still have these thoughts/wants?
2.  Won't accepting these thoughts and taking small steps necessarily lead to full transition?
3.  Why did you date, marry, and have kids if you had these feelings?
4.  This is not what God intended for you, or God's design.
5.  Transition is going against God.
6.  How are you going to live the rest of your life wanting to be different and not changing/transitioning?
7.  How can we be a family if you transition?  We will lose everything.

Hello Claire

Perhaps I am not the best person to advise you as I never married. I am 64 and have not "been with a woman" for 30 years and have never been with a man.

I agree completely with Lucy on 2 and 6.

1. Because gender identity and physical attraction and sexual orientation are 3 separate subjects. You are a woman and you are physically attracted to your wife and you have loved and continue to love your wife with or without sexual participation.

3. Many of those of us that marry women already knowing their trans status, inform their wives before marriage. It seems to me you did not know your trans status till recently and hence are correctly addressing the issue early. You did not "know" before marriage. It is expected that we may enjoy having children and the family life as a whole. Being transgender does not exclude family life by any means. You still love your family.

4. Evangelical Christians in my experience often take an anti-reaction to transgender people whereas Traditional Christians (Anglican/Orthodox/Catholic) are usually but not always more tolerant and understanding of us. I am Catholic. The answer is that we have a medical condition which requires treating. If we are born blind, is that God's design? Absolutely not. God created science to give us the knowledge to correct many medical conditions.

5. Why should transition be against God? God is well aware that you and I are transgender. You take whatever steps are necessary to reduce/remove the Gender Dysphoria and God will wish you to feel better as a result. God is well aware (as are you and I) that our gender is determined by the brain and happened before our birth during our mother's pregnancy.

7. If you wife and your family accept you, your family may stay intact but there are no guarantees and you may break with your wife and/or your children. Your wife may wish to divorce but remain as your long term friend, or she may wish to stay as your wife either in an asexual/celibate relationship or even in a lesbian relationship. Are you and your wife both able to live without sexual participation? Would cuddling and kissing suffice?

I wish resolution and happiness to both yourself and your wife.

Hugs

Pamela  xx
HRT 8th February 2018
Fulltime 29th June 2019

Offline Claire_

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Re: SO Advice please
« Reply #6 on: January 27, 2020, 11:25:57 AM »
Claire, your wife’s questions seem to revolve around thoughts, wants, and religion. It is clear that she doesn’t realise you have a medical condition, and I suspect you haven’t embraced that either. None of this is about your thoughts, wants or religion. It’s about your female structured brain demanding self realisation, and through dysphoria, it will force you to comply. If you can understand this and get your wife to understand this, then most of her her questions will go away.

You will still have to deal with how your relationship will change, and she has every right to not be involved. This is not the agreement you made with each other, and she will feel you have not been open with her. If she feels you want to choose this life over her, it will make things so much harder. You need to be able to show her that you will not change from the person she married, and hope that the love you have grown will be enough to carry you through. If you go through a medical transition, you will likely not be able to provide her with the type of sex she needs.

Both of you need to break this down into facts, and discuss how you will deal with each of them. One of those facts is how much you love the person inside of each other.

I wish you success with this, but you really need to accept where you are to tackle the challenges.

Allie
I have definitely embraced the medical origin aspect of this.  Much of my wife and I conversation has been around resolving that truth and reconciling that within our marriage and faith.  My wife is much more hesitant to accept the medical aspects of this and still sees trans as a spiritual issue first, then a psychological issue and lastly as a choice/want.  I have repeatedly told her that this is definitely not something I want to walk through.  I am trying my best to socialize this and repeat so she can get comfortable with this.  I draw correlations to her own struggle with OCD - which she also sees as a spiritual issue.  I challenge her thoughts by pointing out that medication and TMS treatment have decreased her anxiety and OCD behaviors.  If it was purely spiritual those treatments would not have an impact and the church and bible studies should have at some point through the years.