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Author Topic: My Current Status  (Read 128 times)

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Offline Claire_

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My Current Status
« on: January 31, 2020, 02:54:00 PM »
I wanted to post a quick thread here for those who may be in similar situations.  The rest of this site is dedicated to all the boys and girls who are on their way to or in some phase of social, hormonal, or anatomical transition.

There are reasons why someone experiencing gender dysphoria may decide to not transition (either for a period or at all).  I have seen it written/said if you can NOT transition and live, don't transition. 

I want to say now that you are welcome here and accepted even if you are not yet, or not ever able to realize transition.  You can be transgender without having to be transsexual.

For me right now I am not yet taking hormones or attempting social transition.  I am so new to the acceptance of my gender dysphoria and I am 40+ married with two young children (11, 6) to consider.  We are also evangelical Christians in a conservative area in Texas - not the most supportive environment for trans individuals.  I AM currently in counseling working through several things including the gender dysphoria.  I don't want to do anything medically until I get through the psychological processing.

In my life, transition will cost me my wife, my kids, possibly my employment, my house, some family, and my kids school.  My wife has made it abundantly clear that she does not support that and it will catastrophic to her and the kids if I choose to transition and become a woman.  I want to make certain that transition is required and right for me (read prepared for the costs) before I do that.

While I am working through this, I am making non-obtrusive changes in my life.  Changes like growing my hair out - I always wanted long hair anyway and never did it.  I am enhancing my clothing to better reflect my inner self - more colors, more feminine patterns where possible but still mens clothing.  I am also shaving my legs (well just the thighs due to my wife).  I am connecting with my feminine inner voice and expressing that as openly as I feel safe with my wife.

Online OzGirl

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Re: My Current Status
« Reply #1 on: January 31, 2020, 04:06:07 PM »
Claire, you are certainly not on your own, I have known I was trans all my life and didn't transition for a number of different reasons. First I thought I could be a man if I tried hard enough which sort of worked until I got pressure to find a partner. Next I had family to support, and in my case I was a single parent, so I really didn't have time for transition. Then my current soon to be ex wife said she could tolerate me being me at home, but going outside or on hormones was off limits. I have to say I really enjoyed this phase of my life as my dysphoria was under control, I had a dream job and my wife and I were having amazing adventures. All up this lasted 'til I was 65, with that last phase lasting 20 years.

Even when my dysphoria took over I didn't want to lose my former life, and I still cry wishing I could go back. I had to face that prospect of losing everything, and it really freaked me. That risk of loss is a legitimate reason to try not to transition. To put this into perspective, I would have gladly given my life for my wife and children (and now grand kids) so how could I risk losing them for something as uncertain as transitioning. Yes, I am a reluctant transitioner, all my life I chose not to transition, and even when I was told my life was on the line I said no. My fears were thankfully not realised and I have kept my loved ones, but not without putting them through pain, and that alone was reason for me not to transition. So I certainly understand why people would choose not to transition while you have a choice.

Allie   
Knew I was a girl in 1958, told my mother. Dressed regularly at home from 2000, started HRT March 2019, Full time April 2020, GRS scheduled for January 2021

Offline Lexxi

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Re: My Current Status
« Reply #2 on: February 02, 2020, 03:26:51 AM »
Hi Claire,

I think shaving your legs and growing out your hair will make you feel better. I know it really helped me. I haven't had my hair cut since the middle of December in 2018. It's so long now and I love every single strand of it. I've wanted long hair for my entire life, but my parents always made me keep it really short. Now it's long enough to put in a short ponytail.

I don't know if you've read about this or not, but I started taking Biotin for my hair and nails. I can't say for sure that the Biotin helped my hair grow, but I will say that it's longer, stronger and healthier than it's ever been in my whole life. Oh and my nails are so strong that I can't even bend them at all once they're well above my fingers. They don't crack either...they're very strong.

I also started shaving my legs early on even though they barely had any hair on them at all. See I've always had low-T and I guess that's really helped me to have very little body hair (which I'm very thankful for now). Now that I'm on hormones my chest, arm, and leg hair barely even grows. And what's there is so light it's almost impossible to see unless the light catches it just right.

I wish you all the luck doing whatever you're going to do. I really hope you're able to find a good calm place for yourself.

Lexxi
Realized that I'm trans 5/20/19   Got letter for HRT 6/10/19  Came out to my mom 6/18/19
Started HRT 7/12/19

Offline Linde

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Re: My Current Status
« Reply #3 on: February 02, 2020, 08:43:31 AM »


I don't know if you've read about this or not, but I started taking Biotin for my hair and nails. I can't say for sure that the Biotin helped my hair grow, but I will say that it's longer, stronger and healthier than it's ever been in my whole life. Oh and my nails are so strong that I can't even bend them at all once they're well above my fingers. They don't crack either...they're very strong.


Lexxi
I talked with my dermatologist about Biotin.  He told me that I should take 1 mg pills (but the lowest I could find was 5 mg), because our body cannot process any higher doses and ejects the additional amount.  Biotin does not cause faster growth of hair and nails, but it makes those stronger, as Lexxi confirmed already.  It makes the individual hair strands also a little stronger and thicker, which is very good for me, cause I had very fine hair all my life.

Hugs
Linde
If life deals you lemons, make the best out of them, make lemonade, or put them into your bra to make it look like you have big boobs!

Offline Claire_

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Re: My Current Status
« Reply #4 on: February 03, 2020, 11:23:17 AM »
Thanks for the supportive feedback.  And thanks for the tip about Biotin.  I will definitely look into that.

I am really shocked by my mom's response in all of this.  She busted out with the word cisgender at dinner Friday.  She apparently went out on the interwebs and did some research.  I was a bit uncomfortable with her bringing up the topic in front of my kids, but we will talk about that soon.  Bless her heart she is doing her best to be supportive in her way. 

Offline Katie

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Re: My Current Status
« Reply #5 on: February 03, 2020, 11:44:36 AM »
That's pretty amazing, @Claire_ .
"Some want to live within the sound
Of church or chapel bell;
I want to run a rescue shop,
Within a yard of hell".
C.T. Studd

"Redeeming love has been my theme,
and shall be till I die".
William Cowper

Offline Moni

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Re: My Current Status
« Reply #6 on: February 03, 2020, 04:11:50 PM »
Hi Claire,
   One of my first online trans friends was a non-transitioner. We became very close as we talked for almost two years. She helped me through my crazy transition silliness and I urged her to try to carve out a bit of happiness in her non transition. She was very loyal to her family and friends and pretty religious as well. I say this without a doubt in my head, it took more strength to do what she did compared to what I did. I had such respect for her. So, it seems that what you say about yourself is very well thought out. It makes me sad that you face not being where you would like to be identity wise, but I certainly respect what you are doing. Also good for you making changes that will  bring you some peace of mind.
Moni

Offline Claire_

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Re: My Current Status
« Reply #7 on: February 04, 2020, 09:33:46 AM »
Thank you @Moni . I appreciate your kind and encouraging words.  This may not be a forever decision/state for me, but it is definitely what is most right for the here and now.

I really long for HRT and testing the other side to see if it does what it has for so many others and offer a definitive resolution to the internal conflict.  I am pushing for therapy before that for a number of reasons.  First it will offer my wife more time to learn about this.  Second it will give me the time to decide exactly what it is I want in the medium and long terms.  Third, I have a complex history of childhood and recent physical, emotional and verbal abuse which led to me being compulsively self-less and delete myself from most of life through toxic passive behavior and ALL of that coupled with a wife with OCD and strong narcissistic tendencies.  I want to heal as completely as I can from those inputs before attempting to reconcile the gender dysphoria.

Offline Katie

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Re: My Current Status
« Reply #8 on: February 04, 2020, 09:45:52 AM »
Fourth, unless you find an endo that does informed consent, a therapist is your gatekeeper for an HRT support letter.
"Some want to live within the sound
Of church or chapel bell;
I want to run a rescue shop,
Within a yard of hell".
C.T. Studd

"Redeeming love has been my theme,
and shall be till I die".
William Cowper

Offline Linde

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Re: My Current Status
« Reply #9 on: February 04, 2020, 09:48:22 AM »
Fourth, unless you find an endo that does informed consent, a therapist is your gatekeeper for an HRT support letter.
Planned parenthood does also informed consent.  Our member Faith is ging to them, and is pretty happy with their services.

Hugs
Linde
If life deals you lemons, make the best out of them, make lemonade, or put them into your bra to make it look like you have big boobs!

Offline Katie

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Re: My Current Status
« Reply #10 on: February 04, 2020, 09:51:29 AM »
Planned parenthood does also informed consent.  Our member Faith is ging to them, and is pretty happy with their services.

Hugs
Linde
I'm going to make a guess that going to Planned Parenthood would exacerbate things with Claire's wife.

Sent from my SM-A205U using Tapatalk

"Some want to live within the sound
Of church or chapel bell;
I want to run a rescue shop,
Within a yard of hell".
C.T. Studd

"Redeeming love has been my theme,
and shall be till I die".
William Cowper

Offline Claire_

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Re: My Current Status
« Reply #11 on: February 04, 2020, 10:02:12 AM »
Yes Katie.  I made a commitment to my wife to discuss things with her before making any changes.  This includes HRT for me.  It is important for me to balance her shock and acceptance with my own concept of myself as a woman and desire to live as such. 


For me to go and do informed consent and start HRT abruptly would fan the flames of my wife's grief with this whole situation and will likely result in the family being blown up, loss of the house, and access issues with my children.

Because of this I am on the snail paced approach - for myself, for my kids, for my wife.

Offline Linde

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Re: My Current Status
« Reply #12 on: February 04, 2020, 10:06:05 AM »
I'm going to make a guess that going to Planned Parenthood would exacerbate things with Claire's wife.

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And that is because the Christian right has painted a picture of Planned parenthood which does not meet the reality at all.  Most of them don't have anything to do with abortions, because mos of their medical staff does not believe abortion is a way to solve problems for the mother.
The negative picture should be those anti groups, cause thy don't do anything to help women in need!

But that is a different story!

Hugs
Linde
If life deals you lemons, make the best out of them, make lemonade, or put them into your bra to make it look like you have big boobs!

Offline Claire_

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Re: My Current Status
« Reply #13 on: February 04, 2020, 12:53:13 PM »
I understand comepletely Linde and as always thank you and welcome your opinion.

For me, it is less about the where than about the what.  I am sure I could find an endocrinologist in the big cities who would do informed consent and start HRT.  It is the HRT and the start of a transition that will be at issue for my wife.  I am not sure she would care where it took place.

Offline Katie

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Re: My Current Status
« Reply #14 on: February 04, 2020, 12:56:14 PM »
Yes Katie.  I made a commitment to my wife to discuss things with her before making any changes.  This includes HRT for me.  It is important for me to balance her shock and acceptance with my own concept of myself as a woman and desire to live as such. 


For me to go and do informed consent and start HRT abruptly would fan the flames of my wife's grief with this whole situation and will likely result in the family being blown up, loss of the house, and access issues with my children.

Because of this I am on the snail paced approach - for myself, for my kids, for my wife.
Yeah, don't do what I did if you can avoid it. If your life isn't in danger like mine was, you can afford to take more time and keep your wife involved in things.

Sent from my SM-A205U using Tapatalk

"Some want to live within the sound
Of church or chapel bell;
I want to run a rescue shop,
Within a yard of hell".
C.T. Studd

"Redeeming love has been my theme,
and shall be till I die".
William Cowper

Offline Linde

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Re: My Current Status
« Reply #15 on: February 04, 2020, 01:46:15 PM »
I understand comepletely Linde and as always thank you and welcome your opinion.

For me, it is less about the where than about the what.  I am sure I could find an endocrinologist in the big cities who would do informed consent and start HRT.  It is the HRT and the start of a transition that will be at issue for my wife.  I am not sure she would care where it took place.
This entire dysphoria thing is like living between a rock and a hard place.  You do not want to hurt your loved ones, but for the price of hurting yourself!  In the long run, dysphoria will be the winner, and you either do HRT or you are ready to take your own life, or it happens like it did with me, not knowing what was going on, and my marriage literally exploded into our faces by me getting super angry and hateful, and finally driving the love of my life away!

Dysphoria will win in the long run, always!

You might be able to control it for the moment, but don't wait to long to get hurt, mentally and physically, and it will not leave any winner behind.  I would recommend to go on low level HRT, to keep your dysphoria under control and use the time to get a resolve with your wife about it.  I am afraid that you can handle you marital problems first and your dysphoria second in the long run, it might need to be a parallel route to work.
I hope your therapist is helpful enough to work with you on everything.
Hugs
Linde
If life deals you lemons, make the best out of them, make lemonade, or put them into your bra to make it look like you have big boobs!

Offline Claire_

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Re: My Current Status
« Reply #16 on: February 04, 2020, 01:50:01 PM »
So I just want to acknowledge that everyday is different.  I am strong in my resolve to minimize the paint to those around me. 

BUT... some days it is very hard to be positive.  Some days are very difficult to know the gap that separates me from the life I once lived, my current reality, and the life I wish I could live.  Some days are difficult to think of the comfort of others ahead of myself.

Today is one of those days.  I am a bit down because of therapy work yesterday anyway, but also the gender dysphoria is strong today.  I just went to the bathroom and saw a dark facial shadow and cringed a bit.  So now I going to read some scripture, do some breathing and imagery exercises and rebalance myself.

Funny thing Linde - you just posted while I was typing this.  Thank you very much for the wisdom and advice.  I was going to try to start the conversation with my wife about low dose HRT sometime soon.  Maybe like you said it can take the edge off the dysphoria a bit to buy me time for all of the growth we must both do.